The Grief-Body Connection

Grief is often thought of as an emotional experience—one that lives in the heart and mind. But if you’ve ever navigated profound loss, you’ve likely felt its impact deep within your body, too. From the pit in your stomach to the ache in your chest, grief doesn’t just reside in our thoughts; it weaves itself into our very bones.

Dr. Bessel van der Kolk’s groundbreaking book, The Body Keeps the Score, explores the profound connection between trauma and the body. While the book focuses heavily on trauma, many of its insights apply to grief as well. Van der Kolk’s research shows that our bodies remember the pain of loss and stress, even when our conscious minds try to move forward. For all of us still attempting to navigate grief, I think understanding a bit more about this connection can help.

How Grief Shows Up in the Body

Grief isn’t just an emotional or mental experience, it often manifests physically. Have you ever noticed how your shoulders hunch when you’re feeling overwhelmed? Or how your stomach churns when you’re missing someone deeply? These sensations aren’t random, they’re your body processing the weight of loss.

Some common physical manifestations of grief include:

• Tightness in the chest: A feeling as though it’s hard to breathe.

• Fatigue: An all-encompassing exhaustion that isn’t cured by sleep. *This one is so real for me*

• Tension headaches: Persistent, low-level aches stemming from stress.

• Digestive issues: Grief can disrupt your gut, leading to discomfort or changes in appetite.

• Aches and pains: Sometimes grief settles into muscles and joints, creating a general sense of discomfort.

These physical symptoms are a reminder that grief is holistic—it affects every part of us, not just our minds.

Why the Body Holds Onto Grief

Van der Kolk’s research emphasizes how the body processes and stores emotional experiences, particularly traumatic ones. According to him, trauma—and by extension, grief—can become "trapped" in the body if it isn’t processed fully. This isn’t just metaphorical, scientific studies show that chronic stress and unresolved emotions can alter the way our brains and nervous systems function.

The crazy thing is, before I had even heard of this book, I once told a counsellor that it felt like my grief was trapped in my body because I hadn’t processed my brother’s death (I know, I’m a genius). But because of it having nowhere to go, it stayed inside me and eventually caused my anxiety and severe depression. It made perfect sense in my mind. I could literally feel that exact thing happen.

Grief often operates similarly to trauma because it disrupts our sense of safety, routine, and identity. When we lose someone we love, the ripple effects touch every part of our being. Our nervous systems become heightened, leading to increased cortisol (the stress hormone) and a constant feeling of being "on edge." Over time, this can settle into chronic physical symptoms.

Healing Through the Mind-Body Connection

If grief lives in the body, then part of healing must include tending to our physical selves. This doesn’t mean you can "cure" grief (believe me, I’ve tried)—it’s not something that ever fully disappears. But integrating practices that address the body can help us carry it with more ease.

Here are some ideas inspired by The Body Keeps the Score and other mind-body practices:

1. Mindful Movement

Yoga, stretching, or even gentle walks can help release tension stored in your muscles. Van der Kolk highlights yoga as particularly effective for reconnecting with your body and calming the nervous system.

2. Deep Breathing

Intentional breathing exercises can signal to your brain that it’s safe to relax. Try this simple practice:

• Inhale deeply through your nose for 4 counts.

• Hold for 4 counts.

• Exhale slowly through your mouth for 6 counts.

• Repeat for 5 minutes to ground yourself during moments of overwhelm.

*I should acknowledge that I am not the largest fan of mindful movement OR breathing (except the necessary kind of breathing). I actually feel much better when I have exhausted my energy stores from a spin class, a long walk, a weight-lifting session. And although I DO take large inhales/exhales many times throughout the day, breathing/meditation isn’t in my daily practice. I just felt like you should know that hehe.

3. EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing)

Though primarily used for trauma, EMDR therapy can help process unresolved grief by rebalancing the nervous system and allowing the brain to "file away" painful memories more effectively.

4. Journaling

Writing down your feelings can act as a bridge between your mind and body. It allows you to externalize the heaviness inside and create space for reflection. I have been journalling since I was young, and I find that writing out my thoughts really help me process what I’m feeling.

5. Physical Touch

Simple acts like hugging a loved one, cuddling your kids, or even placing a hand over your heart can activate the parasympathetic nervous system, promoting feelings of calm and safety.

The Role of Community in Healing

One of van der Kolk’s key points is the importance of connection. Grief often isolates us, but healing happens in community. Sharing your story, even with one trusted person, can lighten the load. Whether it’s through therapy, support groups, or just a heart-to-heart with a friend, finding someone to hold space for your grief is invaluable.

Grief is complex and multifaceted, affecting our minds, hearts, and bodies. By understanding how it lives within us—as Dr. van der Kolk’s research suggests—we can take steps toward integrating it into our lives in healthy ways. It’s not about "fixing" grief, but learning to coexist with it while honoring both our loved ones and ourselves.

If you’re navigating grief, remember to be gentle with your body. It’s carrying the weight of your loss alongside you. Find moments to breathe, move, and reconnect with yourself. And always, always remember—you are not alone.

And I’m always here to chat if you need!